Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
