....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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