at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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