I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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