Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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