Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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