sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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