I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
