garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
