does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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