This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
