and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Randomize
