I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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