I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
