So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
