I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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