Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
