im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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