I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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