the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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