My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
