the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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