I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
