i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
