how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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