If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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