Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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