He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
