you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
