Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
