I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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