She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
