One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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