dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
