I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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