Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
