I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
