he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
