Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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