at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
