I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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