True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
