mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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