Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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