My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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