she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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