why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
