Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
