hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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