I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
