census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
