This dress was meant to end up on your floor
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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