I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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