i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
