he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
