Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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